My husband, Paul, and I have been married since 2018. This coming October we’ll celebrate four years! (How does time pass so quickly?!)
One thing that’s been a pillar in our relationship in terms of understanding each other and learning to communicate well over the past four years has been personality type theory. On the Enneagram, I am a 7w8 and he is an 8w7 — closely adjacent types with very similar motivations. But the Enneagram alone only got us so far in understanding our key communication differences… what’s been most helpful has been the Myers-Briggs.
On paper, we’re not the most compatible types. I’m an ENFP and he’s an ESTP. When you look at cognitive functions for these two types, we don’t share any in common.
An ENFP’s cognitive functions (from dominant to inferior) are: Extroverted Intuition, Introverted Feeling, Extroverted Thinking, Introverted Sensing.
An ESTP’s cognitive functions (from dominant to inferior) are: Extroverted Sensing, Introverted Thinking, Extroverted Feeling, Introverted Intuition.
So, first… let’s look at the cognitive similarities between an ENFP and an ESTP:
- Both types are Perceivers — they prefer to take in information before they make a decision (as opposed to Judgers who prefer to make a decision first and then take in information afterward).
- Both types are Extroverts — they consider the outside world as the real world (as opposed to Introverts who consider their inside world as the real world).
But that’s where the cognitive similarities stop (for the most part). If you were reading any other blog or article about “compatible” personality types… they would tell you to HALT! Stop right there, back up, abort mission.
This is where MBTI can be misused. When viewing compatibility in such black and white terms, such as: an ENFP is most compatible with an INTJ, or the Intuition-Sensing communication line shouldn’t be crossed if you can help it, or a Perceiver needs to be balanced by a Judger, etc. What you’re doing with these broad stereotypes is brushing over the richness that can be achieved with diversely paired MBTI types, while also depriving those same couples of the tools they could use to enhance, enrich, and better understand their significant other.
In other words, rich relational connections can truly be found in any type pairing.
So, what all that said… here are five ways the Myers-Briggs system can help your relationship (using examples from my own ENFP + ESTP relationship):
1) Embracing Cognitive Similarities
First: recognize and embrace your similarities.
By discovering that my husband and I are both Extroverts in the Myers-Briggs system, my husband and I are able to manage our energy levels together. For example, if we spend an entire weekend oriented around “alone time,” we’re probably going to feel drained, rather than recharged. But “socialization” isn’t the outlet that our extroverted selves need… we actually need to Extrovert in separate ways based on our separate types.
An ENFP’s dominant cognitive function is Extroverted Intuition, so for me to feel recharged, I need to brainstorm, idea-generate, talk to groups of people who love contributing novel thoughts, and dive deeply into big issues… THAT is where I get my energy from.
An ESTP, on the other hand, has a dominant cognitive function of Extroverted Sensing. That means that he will get his energy from going out and doing things in the moment, participating in something high-action/high-energy, and challenging his body in physical ways… THAT is where he gets his energy from.
We’re not extroverts in the sense that we need socialization to feel re-charged (those are Extroverted Feelers, for the most part), but we are extroverts in the sense that we need to engage with the outside world in order to get our energy needs met. So in other words, we’re Extroverted Perceivers. Perceivers, as opposed to Judgers, in the Myers-Briggs system, prefer to keep their options open and soak in information for as long as possible before coming to a conclusion. By realizing our similarity in this way, the Se and Ne cognitive functions aren’t so different after all: they both get excited about the world around them and want to actively discover it.
An Extroverted, Perceiving couple can be an exciting pair: we like to be in the moment together, we’re very spontaneous as a couple, we enjoy going with the flow, we love trying new things (foods, experiences, travel destinations, etc), and we are highly curious about the world around us. Extroverted Perceiving couples can especially thrive when they’re traveling together (and this definitely rings true for us). The times we feel most alive and connected as a pair are the times when we’re exploring the world together, in a new place, doing new things, trying new foods. We’re both down for the adventure and end up re-charged and re-vitalized by it.
By noticing our similarities as Extroverts and as Perceivers in the Myers-Briggs system, we can actively tap into the things that make us feel re-charged, alive, and high-on-life.
2) Identifying Differences in Decision-Making
Second: Identify how you both make decisions.
Even though we share similarities as Perceivers, an ENFP and an ESTP, will make decisions in very different ways. We have different Perceiving functions (Ne vs. Se) and we have different Judging functions (Fi vs. Ti).
The Judging function is the decision-making function. Once we’re done gathering information through Ne and Se, we’ll make a decision using Fi and Ti. This can cause a lot of confusion and miscommunication (especially if we were unaware of what the other person was doing mentally in order to reach the conclusion that they did).
An ENFP takes in information through Ne and filters it through personal experience and a vast array of values.
An ESTP takes in information through Se and filters it through practical knowledge and a vast array of collected facts.
An ENFP is often asking questions like: is this in line with my personal values? Does this decision support who I am as a person?
An ESTP is often asking questions like: is this in line with what’s most effective? Does this decision make the most logical sense?
You can see where the conflict might arise… it’s like using two entirely different languages.
But by realizing that we’re coming from different places, we’re able to pause and perspective-shift before assuming incorrect things about the other person. In fact, it can add incredible richness to an issue by bringing in both fact and personal value criteria.
An NeFi and SeTi disagreement will often look like two people saying the same thing in vastly different ways. In order for each person to reach their own desired conclusion, we’ll attempt to reframe what the other is saying so that it fits into our individual paradigm. The first step to overcoming this vicious conversation loop is to verbally state that we’re both on the same page, we’re just reading different books. Instead of obsessing over minutiae, we can choose to bond over similarities.
3) Accepting Each Other’s Weaknesses
Third: Identify and accept your cognitive weaknesses.
Every Myers-Briggs personality type has them: weaknesses. You may be painfully aware of your own… but how often do you seek to understand and have sympathy for someone else’s?
One weakness of an ESTP, for example, is in planning. ESTPs don’t plan, they do. They take action in the present moment. Making decisions about a future that hasn’t played out yet is actually an incredibly foreign and uncomfortable concept for them.
As an ENFP, planning isn’t necessarily a strength, either… but it isn’t so much of a foreign concept. ENFPs may not be the master-of-planning, but thanks to their tertiary Te function, they often plan for fun (albeit, willing to change those plans at a moment’s notice).
Questions like: who’s going to plan the next family vacation? Who’s going to initiate weekly and monthly goals? Between an ESTP and ENFP pair, an ENFP will every time.
One weakness of an ENFP is getting trapped in future-casting and future-dreaming without ever taking immediate action. ENFPs can see so many possibilities, that they often get trapped in visionary mode or speculation mode. Taking action on something without seeing the full picture can be difficult for an ENFP. But not, thankfully, for an ESTP.
Something as simple as going to the store at a moment’s notice or fixing something as soon as it breaks is a huge struggle area for ENFPs. For ESTPs, on the other hand, it’s a walk in the park.
A recent example of this planning vs. action struggle is when my husband and I decided to purchase a new bed frame. I had a great time internet-searching for the best deals, looking at different types of wood that would match our overall home aesthetic, and imagining how we could “grow out” of the bed frame in a few years in favor of a kings size bed and let our future kids take for their room! When it finally arrived, however, I dreaded putting it together. It sat in our living room for a solid week. As soon as I opened the box, my husband (thankfully) jumped right on it and assembled it in less than an hour.
This is just one example of many ways that we help make up for each other’s natural weaknesses. MBTI may point out the problem areas ahead of time, but it is up to us to accept each other for those weaknesses as a daily practice.
4) Stepping Into Strengths and Recognizing Arbitrary Marriage/Gender Roles
Four: Allow the other to embrace their strengths, regardless of arbitrary roles.
Myers-Briggs types that enjoy stepping into traditional gender roles or marital roles are primarily Introverted Sensing types (ISFJs, ISTJs, ESFJs, and ESTJs), although any type can certainly have a preference for traditional systems.
So for some couples, this may be more of a point of tension in their relationship, but for Extroverted Perceiving couples like the ESTP and ENFP pair… finding novel ways to divide fiscal and domestic responsibilities comes naturally.
The Myers-Briggs language, in general, provides the tools needed to step outside of these age-old boxes. Just because someone is a female, for example, doesn’t mean that they’ll find their joy or identity in home-making, cooking, cleaning, and child-raising. And just because someone is a male, doesn’t mean that they’ll find their joy or identity in providing financially for the family, doing manual labor, golfing, BBQing, or mowing the lawn. Gender and marital roles have long defined the borders of the family system, but the Myers-Briggs personality structure provides a highly unique, highly personalized way to overcome these labels.
Maybe an ESFP loves cooking, but only when she can try new recipes and hates the obligation of doing the task every day.
Maybe an ISTJ loves working all day, not because he has to be the financial provider, but because his mechanical engineering position is where he feels the most alive and recharged.
Maybe an ENTJ struggles to watch the kids all day, not because she doesn’t love being a mom, but because she needs stimulating adult conversation for once.
Of course, we live in a society now that actively recognizes unnecessary stereotypes and is very vocal about calling them out, but having language beyond just: “it shouldn’t have to be this way,” is vital when trying to understand the passions and motivations of another individual. MBTI provides that language, and my own marriage is continually enriched by it.
5) Spotting Roadblocks For Eachother
Five: Use Myers-Briggs as an accountability system.
It’s not natural or easy to identify your own blind spots… but someone else’s… now that’s a piece of cake! That’s why we can often rattle off our partner’s weaknesses while struggling to name the same long list of our own.
Myers-Briggs gives a lot of space to allow the other person to be exactly who they are. The language that it uses for cognitive function preferences, the cognitive stack, and natural dominant and inferior functions, invites discussion of these blind spots without quick offense or defensiveness.
At the heart of it, it’s an accountability system. As long as two people in the relationship are accepting this paradigm equally, the opportunity for growth and communication is endless.
By understanding type theory, I can let my husband know when he needs to use Ti to recharge, when his tertiary Fe is causing him to act out, or when his inferior Ni may be casting an unnecessary dark shadow on the future.
In turn, my husband can remind me that Fi is favoring personal experience over objective facts when making a decision, my tertiary Te isn’t as thorough as I think it is, and my inferior Si causes unnecessary body-related anxiety.
The deeper the knowledge of personality type theory, the better equipped we’ll both be in spotting and calling out each other’s blind spots.
Final Thoughts
Relationships can be deeply enhanced with personality theory, whether it’s Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, or so many other systems in-between. But it takes two parties being on the same page, recognizing blind spots, and spotting patterns, in order for the relationship to truly benefit from it. It’s one formula for growth, among so many others, that can help two people lead a long loving life together!
Now: what about you?
Do you think personality type theory is helpful or harmful when it comes to dating, match-making, and overall communication? I’d love to hear about your own stories with your romantic partner and how Myers Briggs has helped you, or hurt you, in the dating space. Feel free to share in the comments below!
Personality City 